When we found out last April that Amanda was pregnant, we started collecting yellow rubber duckies for the baby. We thought it would be a fun way to decorate the baby's room. (We also thought it was appropriate since we raise four live ducks in our yard.) Our big idea wasn't all that easy to fulfill because we found that the sort of ducks we wanted weren't that popular. But, we were driven to find them. After a few weeks, we were able to gather quite an assortment of items like ducky pajamas, a ducky blanket, and even some other ducky toys. This duck hunt kept us preoccupied as we patiently waited for the baby to grow.
Mid-June (just before the 12-week mark) we were supposed to hear the heartbeat. We didn't. The doctor informed us of the miscarriage. We had already grown so attached to the baby. Just like that, our hope and excitement for this baby came to a crashing halt. Never have I experienced such pain. We buried the rubber duckies, the pajamas, and the blanket in the bottom drawer of a white dresser in our guest bedroom.
Nothing will replace the baby that we lost, but we are finding through this journey of adoption that our excitement is returning. We have started collecting duckies again. And, it seems there are more of them out there. The yellow ducks are now much more than just a fun way to decorate. They remind us of the specialness of life and all of its ups and downs. Our hope is that soon we will be able to present these duckies to our own little "duckling" through the joy of adoption.
